“I stopped going to therapy because I knew my therapist was right and I wanted to keep being wrong. I wanted to keep my bad habits like charms on a bracelet. I did not want to be brave. I think I like my brain best in a bar fight with my heart. I think I like myself a little broken. I’m ok if that makes me less loved. I like poetry better than therapy anyway. The poems never judge me for healing wrong.”—Clementine von Radics (via mirroir)
oh i’m sad tonight. my exboyfriend texted me…he’s putting our dog to sleep on friday :( i say our dog, but he’s not been mine for years now. when my boyfriend and i broke up, he was moving to a house on the beach and i was moving to a third floor apartment. of course i knew ducky would have a much better life living there - so in the course of one drive to SFO, i said good bye to my boyfriend of seven years and my best little furry pal. omg i was numb with sadness. and now, as sad as i am about ducky, i think i’m also reliving that difficult decision and heartbreak i suffered all those years ago.
it’s part of life, i’ll be okay, it’s ducky’s time and he’s had a great and super interesting little dog life. but tonight i feel deeply, deeply sad. my exboyfriend will call on friday, after it’s over and we will cry together - because only he and i remember the day we went to get ducky when he was a 2lb white fluff ball and brought him home to fuss over like he was our first born. and i named him and m took him on bike rides (strapped him to his back and ducky would nuzzle down between m’s shoulder blades and they would fly down mt diablo together) and the three of us lived a little life together. and now it feels like all remnants of that life are about to disappear :(
““The silence or quiet I’m talking about is not a relative silence. It’s not an absence of noise, even of mental noise. Rather, it’s about beginning to notice that there is a silence that is always present, and that noise happens within this silence—even the noise of the mind. You can start to see that every thought arises against the backdrop of absolute silence. Thought arises literally within a thoughtless world—each idea appears in a vast space.”
“Energy has to flow here on this planet. This is our role. To direct the energy we are given each day in constructive, progressive and developmental ways. Choose wisely.”—jaymur (via perceiving-change)
“Nietzsche was the one who did the job for me. At a certain moment in his life,the idea came to him of what he called ‘the love of your fate.’ Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, ‘This is what I need.’ It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment—not discouragement—you will find the strength is there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow.
“Then, when looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures followed by wreckage were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You’ll see that this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.”—Joseph Campbell, A Joseph Campbell Companion: Reflections on the Art of Living. (via theantidote)
i feel like i’m expending an awful lot of mental energy spinning my wheels. i’ve tried buckling under, letting go, allowing….but i just don’t feel myself pulling into the orbit of anything really meaningful. i thought when i freed up three full mornings, the expanse of time would just naturally become productive in ways i’d been hoping for. ha. i should know my lazy ass better than that. anyway - i did tell myself that the month of april was mine to do with as i pleased (with that free time)…that i earned the time off. so maybe my take-away is that i really do like to be busy and i really do need obligations to anchor me and i really do have to actually physically leave my house if i want anything significant to happen.
because i tell you, this stand-still i find myself at is exhausting.
so this week’s theme, according to me and Chris is: focus…and i think for me, that means i need to choose —- is it studying? is it personal yoga? is it running? is it writing? because i think trying to keep all those things in mind while simultaneously doing nothing is making me stir crazy.
“He allowed himself to be swayed by his conviction that human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but that life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.”—Gabriel García Márquez - Love in the time of Cholera (via colourthysoul)